Articles

The Family Torture Device

July 1, 2019



my family and I recently survived an hour of torture let's talk about that good mythical morning thank you for joining us a day as many of you know I hope all of you know this read I hope you know this too I'm a family man what I got a wife I've got three children and I'm a family man I tried to do things to corral all of us in a family atmosphere that betters us you actually have a minivan I actually have a mini vineyards you're not trying to be ironic you're just you just have one I just need it I mean I don't know how to live without it unapologetically yeah I look for ways to get us all in this said transportation device which I'll choose not to mention by name again and do thing about a main event that will create memories screens are a big deal in our house you know we try to do things to get the kids from out from in front of a screen so we're always looking for things to do that a more active to create memories together right memories family man you want to create memories there is a lot you as I what you're saying you just said you just said memories these at me family man oh okay there's a lake near our house which has paths around it it maybe it's a good place to go to do things more active and we have seen around this lake that there are these bicycles that will hold an entire family oh yeah I've seen these I see man see namenda beach and well they're here – yeah I think I've seen them at the beach like two rows and then a little thing for babies in the front so it's like two bicycles beside each other it's not just bicycle buffa – it's two bicycles built for like five or six bicycles like sickles so we're like okay they look amazing I got to say they look amazing I've almost done it and never done it but now you've probably had an experience and maybe all yeah I'm call I'm calling these things torture devices so let me just explain what happened to us I see this is that this is a perfect example for us to do something active together a family bingo Lily who doesn't even like to hike or do things like that outside it she was like she was like no she was just like we want to do this I'm not gonna label my own daughter I'm not gonna fall into that trap she's just not into hiking okay but she was into this type of tandem tandem biking type thing so I'm okay we will do that so we go there we go to the lake and we're walk we get out of our minivan and we're walking up to the place where you can rent the bike and I see a family coming by us and it's just a slight incline and these people are huffing and puffing and just sweating and Christie says as they go right past is like literally as close as Christie says doesn't look easy kind of an uncomfortable laugh with a question mark no response for the family okay that's not a good so it was like they had just come back from war how many people how many people tell me how what was the age range there is there were four people on that particular one two adults and two kids who were like preteen I got 11 I eight-year-old in a three-and-a-half-year oh three and a half year old ain't gonna pedal he's just dead weight right of course but you know we get up there one hour thirty dollars so I'm like okay these people they didn't seem to be having a good time but I think we're in better shape than them oh they're $30 you get what you pay for so maybe this will be a good experience because that's expensive for one hour on one of these things well for five people not too bad so I pay up I'm like it and you know money is no object to be a family man and we take off on this thing we get on the path and immediately I realized that this torture device of a bicycle does not succumb to any of the normal physics associated with bicycles well what do you mean maybe it was a paddleboat maybe you were in a paddle but now Illinois it was a bike you have four wheels and you would you would pedal there be one steering well at work and I had that and there were four each of us had pedals that all worked two bikes and it was as if it was in a really high gear so you had to pedal really hard to get the thing going but then the theory would be with bicycle physics that she really get going that thing take off right momentum well then I got to point we were pedaling really fast and it was as if somebody was underneath the thing this whole didn't even resistance to the whole thing and not allowing it to go you sure like your three-year-old wasn't down there I look down there there was nobody down there holding his nozzle there's some invisible demon keeping the thing from are you sure that your kids weren't pedaling backwards even we were pedal pedal fast it was not going um but we're still having a good time what do you tell what is being said at this moment the other family being completely sucked like push harder we can do this come on this is fun this is fun and then quickly emotions begin to fray in the site who went first it's so difficult to pedal this thing ah you're are you peddling the wrong direction cause this you and your wife since I give up my legs aren't long enough yeah this this is just me talk oh this is no this is all the kids we're switching people around so they can reach pedals and stuff like that and the thing will just not go we're on flat ground and a kid on training wheels is passing us literally there's something wrong with these bikes listen I've seen they will not go I've seen large people down in Venice Beach on these things and they're just like eating ice cream and doing it is there some sort of governor on these things I don't know you and you went to the wrong place so then we hit the first Hill like this is not gonna go uphill uphill okay I got to go up this hill and I'm thinking this is gonna be bad I've got to start to go into motivational dad mode did the guy who rented this have any no warning vice no warnings no nothing huh he was just like give me your $30 in your ID had to keep my oh well and he made a copy of it you better watch out that's the scam right there yeah yeah he made a copy of he is you now so I have to do a motivational speech and I'm like all right kids and wife we're about to hit this hill and we've got to be full steam ahead we've got to give this thing all we've got Lando's like he that you know he's not telling anything I mean we got to do this so I just start counting the strokes my one two three we're gonna make this up this thing we're gonna do it we're gonna do it and I said just pedal like your life depends on it and Kristi started getting into it and she was like you yeah it's like there's lava down below us it's like if we don't make it to the top we'll lose a family member what well if we don't make it to the top we'll lose a family member she said real as a three-year-old takes that seriously so all of a sudden he's like how I give you the pedals well Lily said which one Oh smart you know it mattered to her the youngest one you know he was like she was like Lincoln if it's Lincoln I'm not deadly that's what she said really yeah Wow everything we can get a lot of things to work on but but we made it to the top of this hill he did it and then we got to go down the other side it's like try to be funny on the hill that was that was pretty fun and then I decided we were going to go off the path we're gonna go into a restricted area yes since you've got it mastered so well let's go off-road and I you know Lord behold it becomes a life-or-death situation because we encountered this other hill and I give the same speech it's like your life depends on it come on we could we could lose a family member let's push push push and we get and then we're going we're making it we're making it we're making it and all of a sudden we come to a slow stop it's like a dirty look no it's it's paved but this thing is steep and we're only halfway up the hill and we cannot go any further and if it wasn't for my leg all the tension was on my leg holding this thing from starting to go back down the hill now this is a big contraption surf break there is a handbrake that does that won't do anything it's like a little it's like a little caliper on one of the wheels because I'm I'm off the grid here they're not supposed to let you go on ones with this type of a incline right or decline if you start going in Reverse I mean literally I thought one of us could could be could be mauled by this contraption especially that I'm like every I'm like holding the tension and I said everybody get off the bike get out to bite and then everyone's like what what and then Lincoln gets off the bike and gets behind the bike like you're gonna push I'm like no no no don't get back that because I really thought this thing could go backwards at any moment and that would have been an Lilly's like I'm sorry yeah is push the bike and I'm like get them out of the way in Yellin Adam and people look runners are going by and like giving us these weird looks and literally it is like a life or death situation for Lincoln now and I'm trying to yell at him to get him and I said don't be stupid I said that and I'm sorry and of course in the park and running everybody I'm yelling at my son it's one of those dads that said don't be stupid and so everybody got off and then I was able to power the rest on social services and so yeah I did not hold my composure so I'm not dead of the year for do this what listen district no you shouldn't do I know if it's a beach it's zero elevation change the whole time that's where I think that's the key you can't try to do the hills you got to just go $30 six minutes later uh we all get off the thing in Lily's like well not doing that again that's how she summed it up and I totally agree all right this episode has been sponsored by Balboa Lake family bicycles I didn't want to mention where it was because I didn't want to poopoo then well some other Lake you know what time it is my name is Chelsea from Syracuse New York and this is my big mac and cheese it's time to spin the wheel of mythicality we've also got a tumblr people there's things tumbling around over on tumblr and I mean it's like the most exciting thing on the Internet really yeah you're that excited our tumblr is the most exciting peep people have become addicted to it Rhett thinks he is Hawk man hey hey what's up you see that do you see that do you see that an underdeveloped lat muscle is that a feather no it's the it's a little bit of your neck I think it's a feather I think it's neck hair coming down from like your I think I've got a feather sprouting I really I it's probably something you should shave why to actually that's not how my wings work I don't grow feathers I don't know why I asked you if I was sprouting feathers because I have special feathers that I have made for myself oh really because I'm hot man German Shepherd what if people come got their dog by calling the breed that's what would have been happening collie

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28 Comments

  • Reply Hailey Sue A July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    They’re so young!

  • Reply Gracie White July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    We rode one in Red River and my brother was little and he got to sit in the front and was so excited and we rented it for 15 minutes and by the ti.e we were done we were all drenched in sweat but Brant was so happy and thought we rented it for an hour

  • Reply Malevolent NTT July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Cautionary tale. Don’t have babies with a baby face, specially if you re a button nose. Too cute kids

  • Reply Alexandra Hollenstine July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Yes! It was the same experience

  • Reply hollowguy July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Your kids could be watching. YOU

  • Reply Isabella C July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Every few years I remember this story and have to watch it again and laugh

  • Reply j c July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Hey man, don't hack on the mini vans. They are actually really nice.

  • Reply xydoit July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    You needed to puddle together in the same time and rhythm.

  • Reply xydoit July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    No Link. Don't you suffer. Nooooooooooo.

  • Reply Melissa Bassett July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Chelsea from Syracuse – 44 Go Orange! (Melissa, from Syracuse! ^_^ )

  • Reply tony pina July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    I don't think it was the equipment it was the operator, he just didn't know what he was doing

  • Reply CeCe Cervantez July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    damn, Lily will be 17 in this next 2019 year?

  • Reply Sally Otley July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    I love Lilly! "Who? Cause if it's Lincoln then I'm not pedalling"
    "Yes, Lincoln, push the bike 😂😂😂 I love it!!!

  • Reply Genni Snedden July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    No

  • Reply m1ssKrys July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    You got a bad bike my friend!

  • Reply Emi Ann July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Lilly omg 😂😂😂

  • Reply Ashlyn Wiker July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Wait, is Link showing us his wife?

  • Reply makenna halsey July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    No screen time for my kids why should I care about their children 🤷🏼‍♂️ here you go kids

  • Reply Hazardous_Empire July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Anyone else wonder if there was some sort of parking brake left on?

  • Reply Fiona Campbell July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    We went on one in Naples and I spent the whole thing yelling at everyone because I was convinced that no one else was peddling lol but we look back at it now and it was a fantastic experience but definitely a torture device lol

  • Reply NWinnStudio July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Lol, they forgot to disengage the safety brake..

  • Reply Noah Kuzel July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Yeah babies are quite torturous

  • Reply Hannah Attaway July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Lillys clearly the middle child cause im juuust like her!

  • Reply j.i.m.i hrpr July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    I did one with 6 people

  • Reply Isabelle Sommer July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    I rode one of the bikes with my mom and sisters and I drove it part of the time. It was fun but we were sore for the rest of our trip

  • Reply Chinta K July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    This is by far one of my favorite episodes

  • Reply natalie nicole July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Me and my family of 8 people went on one, well 2 since our family is big, by Seawall in Galveston. They let my 8 year old step brother drive, because he kept begging them to. He almost drove them of the wall.

  • Reply MandMs05 July 1, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    I have never ridden more than a bicycle with me on it.

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