[MUSIC PLAYING] Yo, it’s hard to keep up
with all the shows on TV. Yeah, especially when all
the actors look the same. But thankfully, Mero
was always down to help me stay on top of white culture.
– You know what I’m saying? Kind of. To the best of my ability. [MUSIC PLAYING] [BELCHING]
– Bro? [STARTLED NOISE] Do you want an Emmy? Kind of. Do you want a jet
ski that’s gold-plated? Why are you talking
like DJ Khaled? You know what I’m saying? Because I want to energize you. Is this more
about white people? Yes. It is not enough to
know their names. [MUSIC PLAYING] I actually don’t
feel like you’re the person that’s informed
enough to do this, but– I mean, look– You have no idea
about TV at all. That may or may not be true. But we’ve got to learn them. Let’s look at this. Let’s start at the top. What do you think
this show’s about? Oh, isn’t that the
guy from “The Office?” That is. It’s Jim. DESUS: Wow! [GRUNTING] Uh, Pam got kidnapped Curly,
so he got Bunk from “The Wire” to help get her back. [BUZZER] This is actually
just a bootleg “24.” – Sad.
– Starring Jim. Sad. Do you know what the show is? “The Sinner?” I guess she be sinning? [BELL RINGS] Because she’s wet. [MUSIC PLAYING] [WHISPERING] [GASPING] Is that Jessica Biel? I don’t know, because she
looks like she does vaccines, so it can’t be. This is Jessica
Biel if she would have not herself been vaccinated. DESUS: “On Becoming a God.” Showtime logo.
Showtime! MERO: You know what I’m saying? [MUSIC – HEART, “STRAIGHT ON”] (SINGING) Coming
straight on for you. It’s an amazing show
starring Reese Witherspoon, you know what I’m saying? I meant Kirsten Dunst. This is about Kristen– Kirsten. I said it the right way. No, that’s fine. She’s doing
today’s mathematics, opening her third eye. Word, God. DESUS: She realizes that if
man can flip himself or herself inside out and see
inside of yourself, you would fall out, because
everything you have to be, and everything you’ve
ever been is inside you. Boom!
[BUZZER] No. It’s actually about
a bunch of trash white people in
central Florida who– Redundant. True– who get involved in
like, a wild Ponzi scheme. But she definitely
knows a meth dealer. Absolutely. What about this one? DESUS: “Russian Doll?” This is something about Trump
and collusion of some sort? [BUZZER] [WHISPERING] This is actually just
“Groundhog Day” with the girl from fucking “American Pie.” She was in “American Pie?” I think she– is this Tara Reid? [BUZZER] See, this is what
I’m talking about. You don’t know people. You don’t know
people, and you’re actually setting me back. I’m fucked up right now. OK. But we’re going to continue. DESUS: It’s called
“The Orville?” Yeah, “The Orville.” It’s about the guy
Orville Roberts, who made– he invented popcorn. [BUZZER] This looks like
when you’re a kid, you wanted “Star Trek”
toys, and then your parents went to the next aisle and got
like, the knockoff “Star Trek.” Yeah! Yeah, like “Star Quest.” “Star Quest,” lovely
fantasy magical toy. DESUS: “You?” [INAUDIBLE] [SCREAMING] Shout out to Netflix just
like, putting no effort into naming their shows. I mean, I can’t disagree
with you on that one. OK. DESUS: “Stumptown.” Yeah, I heard about this. Hey, there. Where’s your daddy, huh? [DOG WHINING] [GROANING] OK, there’s a car crash. Something happens,
she hits her head, and now she has this
weird sexual addiction that she can only have sex with
amputees, hence “Stumptown.” [BUZZER]
MERO: No. [LAUGHTER] Is she Cobie Smulders? Cobie Smulders, who you
might remember from a show that neither of us
ever watched called, “How I Met Your Mother.” I mean, I used
to watch it when they had black people on it. Which was never! How about this one? DESUS: Oh, “Riverdale!” It seems very generic. There’s a lot of white people. This looks like an
Abercrombie in the woods. I don’t usually do this,
but I’m going to call a favor. (YELLING) Yo, Julia!
[BELL RINGING] Huh? We need your like,
super powers here. Oh great. OK, what show is this? Do you guys remember
“Archie” comics? Is this really–
this is Archie? This is a sexy Archie
comic come to life on the CW. Game changer. Archie got hot! Wait, the red-headed
guy is Archie? JULIA: Yeah, that’s Archie. MERO: That’s Archie. Is he Jughead? That’s Jughead! MERO: So who’s that? That’s– It’s another character. [LAUGHTER] You don’t know the name of
the black girl in “Riverdale?” I haven’t watched it,
I just know about it. Oh no, you know
everybody else, but you don’t know
the black girl’s name? [LAUGHTER]
– Cheryl? [BUZZER] I know there’s a
Cheryl in there. Ooh. Do anyone get STDs in it? Jughead definitely
is fucking raw. You can tell. [BELL RINGING] [MUSIC PLAYING]
$19.00 swipe your card when you’re ready Ah and thats all done. All yours Thank you Oh before you go nearly forgot! There is your free laptop Free laptop? Yeah, we’re giving away free laptops with every USB sold today. You’re sure yeah. Yes. Yes, I’m sure okay Thanks, I’ll just… you sure? Yeah enjoy! … am I sure?! Yes, I’m sure See ya. Am I sure? Oh, yeah, look, um, like I don’t know how my shop works. I’m sure of course, I’m sure What does he mean? am I sure? Yes, I’m sure about our promo. Yeah, it’s our promo. I’m sure I’m sure about how our promo works. Hey Rowan. Yeah? What was that? What do you mean? Did you just give away a free laptop? yeah, I just gave away a free laptop. Oh wow Why would you do that? What do you mean why would I do that? Look at the promo? Yeah No, I’m I’m very aware of the promo. I made the Flyers Do you want to really quickly read out what they say? Okay Alan Just for you free USB stick Yeah Free USB stick… with every… How many of you given away Rowan Fifteen… Sorry, what was that Fifteen Fifteen… oh haha Wow That’s really bad Rowan. That’s really really bad Have I got a thing… I’ve got a thing I’m supposed… I’ve got a thing I’m supposed to be doing with… what are you doing Have we got a… wheres that thing that I was… was that thing under…? Rowan what are you doing? I can see… Rowan I can see you. I can see you crawling away Rowan What are you doing Rowan? Rowan I can…
(upbeat camp) – From Bewitched to Bea Arthur, T.V. nerds like a lot of things, but there’s something
they love above all else and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. (classic 80s music) This is our very first themed episode. All our questions today
will be about T.V. shows. Thank you all for being here. How’s everyone feeling? – [Joan] -[Janie] -[Rekha] Nervous! (group laughs) – Has anyone on this show ever
gotten just a score of zero? Is that an okay thing to happen? – It has happened, and that is okay. Yeah, if that happens you
wouldn’t be the first. – I just wanna know if there’s
people just as dumb as me. – You’ve set the bar low. – He’s like, “No”! I feel like everyone relaxes
after getting one point, it’s like cool. – As long as I prove I know one thing. – Truly, you can see people’s unclench, the moment one point comes in, like “Ah.” – I’m ready for it. – [Host] Great, well, none
of you have played before, or you haven’t seen this
before, viewers at home, the game is very simple, I have
here a stack of statements. These are incorrect statements about the T.V. shows you know and love. It’s up to you to identify
what’s wrong and correct me. All questions must be preceded with the phrase, “Um, actually”. If you don’t say that I
won’t give you a point. And you can interrupt me at any point, as soon as you spot what is wrong. Pretty simple, do you guys
feel ready to jump in? – Yeah! – Let’s do it. – [Mike] Okay, well let’s get started. Our first question’s about
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. – Um, actually he’s so
much more than a butler. He’s like a friend to the
Banks, he’s a confidant. He helps their kids through problems. – You literally quoted two things in The Golden Girls theme song. – Yeah. – We thank him for being a friend. – What I’m getting at is: Thank you Geoffrey for being a friend. – Yeah that’s not what we’re going for– – [Joan] Okay. I think
it’s right, but okay. – Um, actually it wasn’t a race. It was something else. – No, no. He was an Olympic runner and cheated in a race. Janie? – Um, actually his middle name
wasn’t Barbara, it was Janet. – No, but you’re close actually. I will say this: His name is wrong. So I’ll give you the point unless someone can tell me
what his name should be. – Um, actually his
middle name was Beatrice. – Uh, no. – I’m also just guessing women’s names. – Um, actually his last name is Beatrice. (group laughs) – No, but you’re actually weirdly closer. I’m gonna give it to Janie. It was his last name that was wrong. His name is not Geoffrey Barbara Hudson, his name is Geoffrey Barbara Butler. – [Rekha] Oh, he said Butler! – So he’s more of a butler, yeah. – It’s kind of a Ellis Island where you get a name
that is your profession. – They had to shorten it too. – In medieval times
everybody had last names that were professions, so yeah he just comes from
a long line of butlers. – I knew he came from
a long line of butlers. – Well, we’ll give that point to Janie. (group cheers) – Thank you! – Here’s a question about Friends. – Yes? – Um, actually it was Joey
that shoved it in his mouth? – No, but you’re close to– – Um, actually did Ross and Joey eat it? – You know what, that’s close enough. Ross does do that. All other characters avoid
eating it, except Joey. He does not avoid eating it. – He eats all of it. – He thoroughly enjoys it! – And he’s got big pants or something. – That’s the way I remember it. I remember him going layer by layer. – And he eats the whole turkey too. – Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good. – That’s right! – Everyone else is avoiding
it but he is whole hog. He is all about it. – Whole hog. With truffle. – Well, we’ll give that point to Rekha. Ross and Joey both eat it. Here we go: – Um, actually Benson
is a spinoff of Soap. – That’s correct! – [Rekha] Yes, it is. – Well, Joan buzzed in first. – Nice job. – Ton of other spinoffs from Happy Days, that’s not one of them. – Not a lot more of Soap spinoffs. – Yeah. – Wasn’t Jerry Seinfeld in Benson? – He was in Benson, yes. – Insane. – Insane. – Insane. – We all know that’s insane. (group laughs) It’s like the craziest
thing to ever happen. Jerry Seinfeld was on Benson. – Well, we will move on
to our next question. We are tied and pressing
forward, one-one-one. – Wow. – I know the name of the
song, the M*A*S*H theme song. It was called Suicide is Painless. – Um, actually that’s not
the name of the Lucy album? – There’s a Brand New Baby at Our House? That is the name of the album record. – Um, actually, the I Love
Lucy song is sung on the show? – That’s correct! – [Rehka] Yes! Ricky sings it. (group sings I Love Lucy theme song) – Lucy’s expecting. – It was Lucy’s last birthday. Which, there were many
episodes she was pregnant. Pregnancy takes awhile. – And he milked it. – And their beds still don’t touch? Okay. – Okay… – You in a twin bed? Okay. – Yeah, who in a twin bed? – They weren’t allowed to
say the word “pregnant”. – I know that’s why I
said she was “expecting”. – Everything else was true, they did later release a
record where you could hear, “Oh there’s a brand new
baby (at our house)” and “I Love Lucy”. Does it feel like there’s
a weird fourth-wall breaking thing for characters
to sing the theme song of the show that they’re in? – Jerry Seinfeld doing like a (mouth instrumentals) – Before they cut it’s like (mouth instrumentals) (women laugh) – Carrie what the? – [Janie] Then you just see
Jerry run off to the corner and do that before every commercial. (group laughs) – Well that was a point for Rekha. We’re going to move on to
our first shiny question. (luxurious harp) – This is a shiny question, it’s worth the same number of points, it’s just a little bit different and a little bit less common. We’re about to play a game
called “Doctor, Cop, Esquire”. So on the other side of this board there are faces of T.V. characters. It’ll be up to you to identify whether they are a doctor,
a cop, or a lawyer. Or some combination. Whoever can get the most
correct will get the point. Yes, Rekha? – You mean Medical Doctor? – I do mean Medical Doctor. – Not like Ph.D? Not
like rocks or something? – A med school. – Yeah. (magic wand sounds) – And that’s it for this
episode of Um, Actually. Um, actually it’s not. There’s way more of this
episode over on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start
your free trial today. I’ll be right here. Well, I’ll be over there. I mean I’ll be in both places at once. Because this is just, there’s more… Technology– (magic wand sounds) Here’s a game we’re calling
“Once More, Without Feeling”. So what I’m going to do is read the lyrics of T.V. theme songs with as little rhythm, affect, or
melody as I possibly can. – That’s awesome. – [Mike] And see if you can identify the song without any of the song. Cool?
Keep up the good work, team! And don’t forget our mission: We’re scaling and disrupting the artisan cloth space. We’re changing the way people think about burlap. We’re iterating, we’re ideating, and we’re making an impact! Now listen up. Textiles will go from a precious, labor-intensive commodity to a convenient, disposable almost worthless consumer product! And you, yes, you, get to be in on the very bottom floor of this revolution. We’re calling it the Bornheimer and Sons Textile and Lead Paint Corporation Industrial Revolution. Now look. As CIO, I’m very proud to
show you what we’ve been incubating. It’s called CompanyCoin. We know you hate traditional fiat currency. We know! We get it. That’s why we’re reimaginating
the traditional wage system You’ll be paid in money that you can spend right here in the CompanyCoin store! It has everything you need. Bread! Water! And yesterday’s bread! And! Participation is mandatory. So high-five!
*door shuts* *locks door* Last week I give a fire safety talk, *clears throat* and nobody paid any attention. It’s my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. *pours lighter fluid* *lights cigarette* Today, smoking is gonna save lives. *flicks cigarette, igniting trash bin* *throws lighter fluid container into fire* Does anyone smell anything smoky? Did you bring your jerky in again? *clears throat* Oh my God! Uh.. Oh my God! Stanley: FIRE! Oh Fire?! Oh my goodness! What’s the procedure? What do we do people? The phones are dead! Dwight: Oh how did that happen? Kevin: It’s out in the hall! Dwight: No, we don’t know that. The smoke can be coming through an air duct. Michael: Oh my God! Okay, it’s happening! Everybody stay calm! Dwight: What’s the procedure everyone? What’s the procedure? Michael: STAY F*****G CALM! Dwight: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Michael: EVERYBODY F*****G CALM DOWN!! Dwight: No no! Michael No! Dwight: Touch the handle, if it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway! Michael: What does warm mean? Everyone: *groaning* Oh my God. Dwight: Mmm, not a viable option. Dwight: What next? Michael: Don’t Run! Everyone: *Murmuring in Panic* Dwight: Oh! Here’s a door. Check that one out. How’s the handle? Andy: It– it’s warm! Jim: K–go to the back door. Dwight: Well, uh, another option. *Everyone panicking and screaming* Dwight: Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching! Phyllis: Oh! I forgot my purse. Andy: Leave it woman! Michael: Get out of the way! Go, go, go! Dwight: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can- *Chaos and Panic* Oscar: Ah! My hand! That’s hot! Andy: Aah! This ones hot too! Michael: Okay, we’re trapped. Everyone for himself. Dwight: Okay, let’s go. Everyone: *shouting* Out of my way! Let’s go. Get out of my way! *Chaos and Panic* Dwight: Calm, please Andy: Get out of the way! Dwight: Have you ever seen a burn victim? Andy: Move it!! Dwight: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha– Use a what to cover the mouth? *MORE Chaos and Panic* Angela: *pulling cat out of filing drawer* It’s okay. Shh shhh. *cat meows* Dwight: A what? A rag. A damp rag perhaps. *Oscar escaping through roof* Dwight: Let’s remember those procedures. What are the options? *Pushing and Shoving* Dwight: Okay, that’s the wrong way. We’ve already tried that. Dwight: Remember your exit points. Exit points people. Angela: Oscar. Oscar! Oscar: Stay alive! I’m getting help! Angela: Pull me up! Oscar: You’re too heavy! Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds! *Oscar crawls away* Angela: Uh– save Bandit! Angela: *throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side* *MEOW* Angela: OH! Dwight: How about 911? Anyone? 911. Michael: *tries to break open window* *SMACK* Kevin: *smashes vending machine with a chair* *steals snacks* *SMASH* Pam: What do we do?! Dwight: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. Jim: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. *Dwight lights firecrackers* *Mass Coughing* *Firecrackers pop loudly* Angela: What is that? What is that? Andy: THE FIRE’S SHOOTING AT US!! *Everyone Screaming* Phyllis: What in the name of God is going on?! *Dwight pulls Fire Alarm* Jim: Let’s try this Andy: Yes! Yes, ba– Yes, battering ram! Battering ram! *Oscar’s leg crashes through the ceiling* Phyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!! Andy: Go, go, go, go, go!! AHHH! *Jim and Andy ram the door with the copying machine* *Angela shrieks* *Everyone yelling* *Micheal throws projector out window* Micheal: HELP!! HELP!! Stanley: Oh God! I’m about to die! *Jim and Andy ram the door with the copying machine* *Everyone shrieking* *Dwight blows airhorn* Dwight: ATTENTION!! Dwight: Employees of Dunder-Mifflin! Dwight: This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. Dwight: There is no fire. It was only a simulation. Jim: WHAT?! Dwight: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. *Oscar drops down from ceiling* Dwight: So what have we learned? *Stanley collapses* Dwight: Oh come on! It’s not real Dwight: Stanley don’t have a heart attack! *everyone rushes to Stanley* Michael: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Michael: STANLEY YOU WILL NOT DIE! Michael: Stanley! Stanley! Michael: Barack is President! Michael: YOU ARE BLACK STANLEY! Michael: I’m gonna give him mouth-to-mouth Jim: No, no, no! Don’t give him mouth to mouth for this! Michael: He’s going to swallow his tongue. Jim: No. Michael. Michael. Michael: Don’t swallow it! Kelly: Michael get off him! Stop! Michael: I’m fine! Leave me al– *Michael bring dragged away by Toby, Kevin, and Jim* *Outro*
There’s my girl Noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train? That was perdium from Philidelphia Ugh, that town smells like cheese steaks That town is full of history! Andrea’s the, uh, office bitch you’ll get used to her hmMMm creed I’m not offended by homosexuality In the 60s I made love to many many women often outdoors *eyebrow raise* in the mud and the rain and it’s possible a man slipped in would be no way of knowing. So, strike scream and run Alright, let’s try it. *Strikes, screams, and runs* Hey did one of you tell Stanley that I had asthma? Because I don’t If it gets out they won’t let me scuba If I can’t scuba, then w h a t s t h i s a l l b e e n a b o u t ? What am I working toward? Creed? Yes, sir? Everything okay? Everything’s cool, dude. I’m thirty. Well in November I’ll be thirty. That is Northern Lights Cannabis, Indica No, it’s marijuana. I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office. Just pretend like we’re talking until the cops leave. Thanks, playing a little hooky from work today. oh my god How much do they want 300 dollars -What? No, I could get a fish for a five-cent worm. Oh, you’re paying way too much for worms, man. Who’s your worm guy? So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter. Oh, I’m engaged to Pam. I thought you were gay. Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter? i d o n t k n o w Hey cus Heard you’re having money problems. No you didn’t Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away. Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider. Creed, I noticed you don’t have a resolution on the board. What’s yours? I wanna do a cartwheel. They’re real casual, like, not make a big deal out of it, but I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel. How’s it going? i’m having a little trouble motivating no if you do that i’m going to do that if you do that i’m going to do that if you do this i’m going to do that well what if I just did– y o u d o n t w a n t t o d o t h a t . *wtf* I’m just hiding out until all this stuff blows over. With Creed. Playing chess. At work. He’s winning. I feel like I’m describing a dream I had. yo Is this his new chair? No he hasn’t picked one yet. DAAAHT. When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs And only one to go. I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You get more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader. Whoa, awesome. L E T S P U T A S M I L E O N T H A T F A C E Dammit Creed I’ve been up since four! Real shame about Ed, huh? -Yeah Must really have you thinking. About what? The older you get, the bigger the chances you’re gonna die. You knew that Ed was decapitated. What? Dwight (whispering): really? He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down route six, he slides under an eighteen-wheeler, pop it snaps right off. Oh my god… *impressed* That is the way to go. Instant death, very smart. You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. You’re thinking of a chicken. what did i say Someone complained that the men’s room is whites only, Stanley you know that’s not true I didn’t say that Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? I already won the lottery. I was born in the U S of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport Does it hurt terribly? No, it’s not too bad. They had me on a lot of painkillers. Oh really what kind? Codeine? Vicodin? Percocet? Fentanyl? Oxycontin? Palladone I have no idea. *sigh of disgrace* Hey, Creed. Creed: Heyyyyyy, -Kid: What’s up Creed? Creed: What’re you guys up to? Ahhh, hellloooo -Kid: You’re the man, buddy. I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station I understand that’s confusing Hey, brah, I’ve been meaning to ask you, Can we get some Red Bulls for these things? Sometimes a guy’s gotta ride the bull. amirite?? Later, skater. Look at where you’re going to be doing the cartwheel, so look where you’re going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot Creed: Mmhmm Michael: You’re ready to do this? Creed: Yes, sir. You know what? I’m gonna stay here as long as it takes Creed: I really appreciate that. Michael: Imma spot ya, imma spot you Michael: Go. I did it! You did? The perfect cartwheel. Okay, good. What a rush, that’s all I had to do all year. Congratulations. (creed’s face is gold right here) Well, alright see you tomorrow. Oh my god. I find it offensive. All natural, baby. That’s how I like ’em. Swing low, sweet Chariots. Kevin: Look at that. She’s totally flirting with him. Mmm, you don’t know that. Some people can’t help losing sexuality You ever noticed you can only lose two things? sexuality and pus. Man I tell ya. It’s a beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin. As I like to call it: Great Bratton. Keep it running. “Do I love being manager?” I love my kids, I love real estate, I love ceramics, I love my job, I love wrestling, Find out what language this is. wEsFLdLEE sBrrBd cLWsf NrR mSTw eEEeEmR. IIsT sTRr bObBsKaA. (german?) Nobody’s does this when Creed Bratton gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? *whispering* Creed Bratton I didn’t realize that everybody here dresses up every year. Me neither. It’s Halloween That is really really good timing. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct “old man smell?” I know exactly what he’s talking about. I sprouted mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death. Can you tell us what happened? Um, I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions, And, he was holding a map, and when I walked over, He had, IT out *whispering* on the map. Phyllis, you’re a married woman. The guy was just hanging brain, I mean what’s all the fuss? If that’s flashing then lock me up. The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin, though. Cool beans, man. I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there! Okay, team building. On this side of the room: Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy. And this side of the room: Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed– He never called a meeting Everybody, this is Creed, and he is in charge of… Michael: something Creed: That is correct. Michael: Say hi to the kids. Creed: Hi kids. Michael: Yayyyy….. Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?? *kids going eww except for the one Chad running for a closer look* Stop it! Just no, no no, would you cut it out?! Bobody! Bo-BODY, what does the first B stand for? What are we doing? We’re making acronyms! Okay, what does the first B stand for? Kevin: uhm, BIZNISSZ Iiiii LIKEit BIZNIS! Good, Kevin. Alright, the O, We need a new manager. What are you doing in here? This is the woman’s room. You’re in here I pay for that privilege *yelling* IM A PRETTY NORMAL GUY, I DO ONE WEIRD THING, I LIKE TO GO IN THE WOMAN’S ROOM FOR NUMBER TWO. IVE BEEN CAUGHT SEVERAL TIMES, & I H A V E P A I D D E A R L Y. I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30 Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what, I think maybe Halpbert had stolen his car, something like that So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hair spray and a lighter, You’re useless. Why do we as a society, hate old people so much? Because they’re lame. No! Creed, no, they are not! Jim. -Oh, cool. That’s from me. Great! Where’d you get it? I don’t know, it was so long ago. He obviously forgot to get me something. And then he went to his closet and dug out this little number Then threw in the bag. *no shame* Yep, that’s exactly what happened. Sorry I’m late boss, what’s going on? *in a retarded accent* Sir! There has been a murder, and you are suspect. Oh , okay. Hang on just a sec, lemme just settle in, and I’ll be right back. Very good! Very good. Now, no one was there, in the wine cellar, You know what, don’t even worry about it, everyone was so drunk, no one even remembers what you said. I remember. I blogged the whole thing. www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts Check it out. Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the internet, it’s pretty shocking.
– Today is safety training day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. – Eugh. But! I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. – We are going to listen in on Darryl’s presentation to the warehouse and if I know Darryl, it gonna be something. – Now, this is the forklift. – You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers can’t drive it. – Quiz, Mike. Should you drive the forklift? – I can and I have to —
– No, no no no no no. – I said should you. You should not drive it. – You should not drive the forklift.
– You’re not allowed to drive the forklift. – It’s not safe; you don’t have a license. – Guys, I’m not the only one who’s driven the forklift. – Pudge has driven the forklift.
– Madge. – I thought your name was Pudge. – No, it’s always been Madge.
– Okay. – Um, her. – Her. Yes, her is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. – Okay?
– Alright. – Fine.
– Do you understand that? – Yeeesh. – We do safety training every year or after an accident. – We’ve never made it a full year. – This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf when one office worker who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled, – “Hey Darryl, how’s it hangin’?!” [laughter] – And I fell and busted my ankle. – I’m legitimately scared for my workers. – The baler can flatten a car engine. – It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
– Yeah! – How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler? – Bail her? I hardly know her.
– Damn it, Michael. Pay attention, man. – Anybody want to take a guess? Anybody?
– Five bucks says it’s over fifty. – You really want to bet?
– Anybody? – Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
– How many? – Okay, well… – Ten people, Michael, ten people. Would you like to be one of them? – No, don’t worry about it, we’ll just go double or nothing. – On what?
– I don’t know, something else.
– What are you guys talking about? – These are very dangerous machines down here and the upstairs workers — Michael — should not go anywhere near them. – Yes, yes, but it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world — – It would be the worst thing in the world. It would. Very much so.
– What the hell is wrong with this man? – It’s a big red trash compactor!
– What are you — – It’s not a trash compactor!
[arguing] – I got it, I got it. Only on the rarest of occasions — – No, do not touch the — there is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay? [‘The Office’ theme song] (Hope I did okay subtitling! Don’t forget to subscribe to the channel, it’s seriously awesome. I mean, it’s The Office.)
Dwight: What is this? Jim: Happy Holidays, Dwight. But don’t open it till Christmas. You’re so pathetic. How long did this take you? 3 Hours? 5 minutes, actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping. Yeah, no such thing. They don’t give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, ’cause I’m gonna take it apart in about 5 minutes. I think it’ll take you a little bit longer than that. Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than 10 minutes, I ought to be to cut my way– [Beep] It’s kinda blurry. That’s better. Question. What kind of bear is best? That’s a ridiculous question. False. Black bear. Well, that’s debatable, there are basically two schools of thought. Fact, bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. Bears do not– What is going on!? What are you doing!? Last week, I was in a drug store, I saw these glasses, $4, and it only cost me $7 to create the rest of the ensemble, and that makes a grand total of… [a few beeps later…] $11. Michael: Here’s what’s gonna happen, I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale. A-A more micro form of management, Jim, what is that called? Jim: Micro-gament. Boom. Yes. Michael: Now, Jim is going to be the client, Dwight, you are going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile, or difficult, Let’s go. Dwight: Alright, fine. [clears throat] Ring. Bill Buttlicker: Hello? Dwight: Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin paper company. Oh, that’s great, ’cause I need paper. Excellent, you are in luck, because we are having a limited time offer only on EVERYTHING. Oh, this is my lucky day! Michael: Ask him his name. Dwight: What is your name sir? I am Bill Buttlicker. Really? that’s your real name? Bill: How dare you! My family built this country, by the way!? Michael: be respectful, Dwight, please. Dwight: Yes Michael. Dwight: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. Jim: [Places bobblehead on table] Identity theft is not a joke Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! Jim: MICHAEL! Dwight: Oh, that’s funny, MICHAEL! Bill: Hold on one second, that’s my other line. Dwight: Wha- No- But I- Bill: [On other line] Hello? [scoffs] oh yeah, I was just on the phone with a STUPID salesman, he’s SO dumb. Probably just keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. [Long pause…] Okay. Michael: It’s up to you to change his mind. [Click] Bill: Sorry, that was a family emergency. Dwight: Oh no! what’s wrong? Bill: You know what? That’s private. Michael: Boundaries! Dwight! Come on! Karen: Hey. Jim: Hey. Karen: Who are you faxing so early in the morning? Jim: Oh, um…. Kinda hard to explain. I don’t have a TON of contact with the Scranton branch but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight’s stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes, from himself, from the future. “Dwight, at 8:00 A.M today, someone poisons the coffee, do NOT drink the coffee, more instructions will follow, cordially, Future Dwight.” [Stanley walks out with a fresh cup of coffee] [Dwight sprints around the office like a madman] Dwight: NO!! *Poor Stanley* You’ll thank me later. Dwight: As I was saying, We’re having a limited- Bill: You’re gonna have to talk a little bit louder, I’m hard of hearing. Michael: Sorry if he’s an old man. Dwight: Okay, as I was saying, right now– Bill: Gotta talk louder. *Louder* Okay, our prices have never been lower. Bill: Son, you have to talk louder. Dwight: Never been lower! Ne– Bill: LOUDER, SON! BUTTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER! HE– *Michael: *Loud Whisper* STOP IT!, STOP IT! [Short Composure pause] [Loud Whisper] That is totally inappropriate. [Loud Whisper] You never yell at the client. You NEVER yell at the client. Bill: You listen to me sir. Michael: *disappointed* Here we go. Bill: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile, and definitely difficult. *Repeatedly* Dwight: Please Mr. Buttlicker, give me another chance. Bill: I’m irate right now. Michael: *Also repeatedly* Give me the phone. Dwight: I have to put you on with my boss. Bill: Well I should hope so. Bill: Who is this? Michael: Hello, this is Michael Scott, Regional Manager. Bill: Well this is William M. Buttlicker. Hello Mr. Buttlicker, how may we help you? Bill: Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna buy $1,000,000 dollars worth of paper products today. Dwight: [Laughs excitedly] Michael: See how it’s done? Thank you very much, sir. I don’t think you’ll regret it. Dwight: You are the master. Bill: There is one condition, Michael, Michael: Yes. Bill: you have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly. Dwight: Don’t do it, Michael. Michael: [Whisper] It’s a million dollar sale. [Pam muttering] Dwight: Where is my desk!? [Long pause] Jim: That is weird. Dwight: This is NOT funny, this is totally unprofessional. Jim: Okay well, YOU’RE the one who lost the desk. Dwight: I didn’t lose my desk. Jim: Okay, calm down, where was the last place you saw it? Dwight: Okay, WHO MOVED MY DESK!? Jim: I think you should re-trace your steps. Dwight: Okay, I am going to tell Michael, and this entire office will be PUNISHED! Jim: Colder… Jim: Warmer… little warmer…. there ya’– ooh…. warmer…. Warmer! Warmer, warmer! Cold ,cold, cold! Back up… [Phone rings] Ooh… Ooh… Warmer… HOT! RED HOT! HOT! [Fades out] VERY HOT…. *Dwight, just sit down already!* *Dwight listens* Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Jim: Hi, Dwight, um… What sorta discounts are we giving on the 20-pound white box? Jim: I’ve given you this information, like 20 times. Jim: I know. [Sorry, can’t clarify :|] Okay, thank you, gotta get back to work. Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words, “Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons, I suspect Jim Halpert.” “Everyone has called me Dwayne all day, I think Jim Halpert paid them to.” Jim: [short chuckle] YES, five bucks each, it was totally worth it. Jim: You look cute today, Dwight. Dwight: Thanks, girl. So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot, which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight FINDING drugs is more dangerous than most people USING drugs. Jim: I’m just saying you can’t be sure that it wasn’t you. Dwight: That’s ridiculous, of course it wasn’t me. Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don’t remember. Dwight: I would remember. Jim: well how could you if it just erased your memory? Dwight: That’s not how it works. Jim: Now, how would you know how it works? Dwight: Knock it off okay? I’m interviewing you! Jim: NO, YOU SAID THAT I’D BE CONDUCTING THE INTERVIEW WHEN I WALKED IN HERE, NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE!? Dwight: (Wha- What?) Michael: “This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I commited murder. I think he may be the real murderer.” “Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women’s room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.” [DX] [Michael cringes] Michael: [Deep breath] God. Photographer: Smile. Dwight: No. I Never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates, once someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. Jim: This came out really well. There ya’ go. Dwight: [Holds up Tag] This is humongous, I am not a security threat, Jim: Oh. Dwight: and my middle name is “Kurt”, not “fart”. Jim: What did I write? Michael: “This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.” [Looks at Dwight, confused] Jim: [Snickers] That actually took a while, I had to put more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then, I just… took them all out. Michael: “Every time I typed my name, it said “diapers”.” Jim: Just a simple macro. Jim?(Steve) : Morning Dwight. Dwight: Who are you? Steve: Who am I? I’m Jim, we’ve been working together for twelve years. Weird joke, Dwight. Dwight: You’re not Jim, Jim’s not Asian! Steve: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hat’s off to you for not seeing race. Dwight: Alright then, Jim. Why don’t you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday? Steve: Wellington Systems, sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or were you talking about Creeker Murphy? Because I didn’t close that one yet, but I’m hoping I’ve got a voicemail from Paul Creeker waiting for me. [Automated Voice] Please enter your password. *Enters Jim’s password* [Automated Voice] You have one new message. Dwight: How did you know? Dwight: NO, NO, no, that is sensitive information, only for employees, not outsiders! Steve: Dwight, cut it out, I’m trying to work. You don’t work here! You’re not Jim! Pam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation, [?] at 7:30. Steve: Oh, great, can’t wait. *Kiss* Jim’s at the dentist this morning, and Steve is an actor friend of ours. I don’t know who you are, but you are not Jim. [grabs photo] THIS IS JIM! Steve: (You mean me?) Dwight: Oh– Oh dea– Oh, how did– (I don’t know how they pulled that off :/) Roy: So what’s the deal, we have to pay for our own drinks? That’s lame. Pam: Come on, it’ll be fun, and besides, I’m a roulette expert. Dwight: Impossible, roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance. Jim: I could always count on winning roulette. Dwight: Oh really? M-hmm. Jim: Yeah. Dwight: How would you do that? Jim: Mind control. Dwight: [Laughs] You can’t be serious. Jim: [Looks at Dwight with a stoic expression] Dwight: Are you serious? Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like eight or nine, I could, sorta’ control things with my mind. Dwight: I don’t believe you, continue. Jim: [Sighs] It was just little things, you know? Like, I could make something shake, or I could make a marble fall off the counter, you know? Just little things. [Scoffs] Dwight: That’s ridiculous, you know what? Uh- Why don’t you move that coat rack? Excuse me everyone, attention in the office please! Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers. And he needs absolute silence. Dwight: Go ahead. Jim: Okay, I’ll try. [Jim exhales] [The coat rack moves] [Pam holds up the prank, wordless.] [Pam winks] [Jim concentrates harder] Dwight: Oh my god. [Please subscribe to the office, it’s an awesome channel, and please subscribe to me as well, I put time, effort, and a little dash of love into this.] (Armyman042705) So, yeah… Bye!